Brynn wrote this.

I decided that that I wasn't going to be a jackass and delete the message, but read it through. Which I did. I just want you to know that the relationship was ended not because I lost any feelings towards you, just that in this point in my life I don't desire a romantic relationship with anyone. I have ceased using OKC, and any other online profiles, because I know that I don't want to get involved seriously again with anyone in the near future. I apologize but I am a really selfish person when it comes to my life, and when it comes to maintaining a relationship overing progressing my life I choose progression of life every time. I also feel that I gave you the raw end of the stick because I never really explained myself, and that is because I really didn't know how. I knew that I didn't want to be in a relationship. This is partly because I make myself extremely stressful during relationships and I can't really take the stress. I would make my self sick in attempting to make sure everything was perfect. I can't do that and concentrate on getting my life into an acceptable position. I have always felt that if I can't commit to a relationship 110% then their is no reason to commit at all. My life right now doesn't really allow me to commit that much, and I really just want to live my life...like I said selfish. Thankyou for the letter, and I appreciate your feelings, but at this time in my life I don't need or desire romance.

This totally sucks, but surprisingly I'm not crushed. Actually, I feel a lot better after reading this-- it's not what I wanted to hear from him, but for some reason, I feel a lot better. I think what I really needed was to have him hear exactly what I felt.

When I first saw a message from him in my inbox I started spazzing out, but once I finished reading it, I just... I don't know.

... Aside from all of that... he is such a fucking dork.

[Dear Tim]
There's nothing wrong with being "selfish" when you need to be. No one can worry about other people until they've taken care of themselves.

I sent a message to Tim on facebook tonight. This is what I said;

Hey
I meant to send a message like this to you right after we broke up but I decided against it because I was afraid it would just sound like the raving of a crazed exgf, and I thought to myself, in time the urge will pass... well it didn't, so I'm going to say right now before I even start that you are not obligated to respond to this at all if that's all this ends up as,  because all of my guy friends have had crazy exgfs and all of my girl friends have BEEN the crazy exgf, so I'm half expecting to sound that way no matter what I say, so not much point in trying otherwise. Since it's been so long, what harm could it do? The worst that can happen is  I annoy the hell out of you with this letter. Well, screw it, I have to get it out of my system, and you can just as easily delete this without reading it in the first place, so the worst thing that can happen is you ignore it all.

I figure now that we've been broken up for longer than we were together in the first place I should be over it by now, but I'm not-- so I guess maybe that does make me psycho and clingy... or maybe I just liked you. a lot. a lot more than I thought I did.

To tell you the truth, when you and I first met up I was just looking for an excuse to get out of the apartment. I was tired of sitting at home all day trying to get over another guy. I really did enjoy talking to you online, but it was only for the sake of doing something with my day that I agreed to meet up with you. But you were so freaking adorable, i had to see you again.

Sometimes I think about the little things that you did that made you the best-- like when you came to see Company, and you had gotten me a drink. not only did you remember that I like iced tea, but they didnt sell them at the concessions table and you found some anyway... little things you did like that that were so sweet, and meant everything to me. I dont know if you ever knew how much little things like that meant to me.

I miss being with you. I miss that kind of tunnel-of-love feeling i'd get with you, and I'd forget that there were other people in the room.

I liked you, and I thought that you and I could have a good short-term together. Then suddenly I realized that I had really fallen for you, and I wanted to keep you, and then just two weeks later it was over.

I was tempted to call you the following 19th just to tell you I didn't forget our anniversary this time.

i could never wrap my head around the Why of you breaking things off. for most people, around the two-month mark, the butterflies start to die. For me it was the opposite.

I really miss you. I've tried OKC and real-life people again lately, but it's not working out, and it's definitely not helping. It just makes me miss you more. This statement really doesnt help the "i'm not psycho" argument, but I give up there.

This is getting to be a really long rant, I suppose that's enough garbage to send you... Again, I apologize for sending this unsolicited babble your way. I just had to get it out of my system.

It's been something like four days now I think. John's been getting pissy at me when I call him, so I haven't bothered. I don't much feel like listening to him bitch at me because he's tired or he's stuck at work or whatever. If he wants to call me, he can go right ahead, but he hasn't yet. I don't even fucking care.

Sometimes when I think about it, I think that I blame him for screwing things up between me and Tim.

I just joined Things on Tuesday the other day. Hello! First post!!

- Bad

• I got called in to work three extra shifts this week.
• My back hurts because I must have twisted it in my sleep the other night, and I can't get it to relax again.
• I lost my temper with a customer. I want to punch myself in the head whenever I do that.
  
• When I'm not at work, I'm cleaning up the mess my ex-roommate and her ILLEGAL cat left behind.
• My ex-roommate poured soap into the toilet tank as a parting gift. I found this out three days ago when I saw the bathroom was filled with soap suds. Maintenance was amused.
  
• The stain I used on the door frames won't dry, even though I followed the instructions. It's been two weeks since application.
• John still hasn't broken up with his boyfriend, but he insists on bitching to me about how miserable he makes him.
• I'm sick of John flirting with me when his boyfriend isn't around.
• I'm sick of the fact that John works so many hours, so we can't ever see each other.
  
• I miss Tim still, and we've officially been broken up for longer than we've known each other in the first place. GET OVER IT ALREADY.
  
• I still don't have a new roommate, so this is the second month in a row I have to ask my parents to pay the second half of my rent. I barely make enough money to break even as it is, so I can't afford to pay twice as much rent myself.
• I had a fight with my mother last night, and I can't even apologize to her.
  

+ Good

• A crazy woman came in to work the other day. Her daughter was sent in to buy a chicken sandwich, but the woman came back demanding her money because the daughter had gotten bacon on it, and she didn't want bacon. When we asked for the sandwich back so we could refund her money, she said she ate it. Then she threatened to sue us because we told her that, because she ate the sandwich, we can't give her her money back. The difference between a chicken sandwich and a chicken sandwich with bacon is less than two dollars. She spent probably four dollars worth of gas to drive back here to tell us her thirteen-year-old daughter doesn't know how to read a menu or count her change. Oh, how we laughed.
  
• I'm getting paid for three extra shifts this week. My bank account will be happy.
• My boss is giving me more hours at work, possibly two more shifts a week for the rest of the summer-- finally, I will have the thirty hours a week he hired me for in the first place! And again-- happy bank account.
• I think the new girl at work might turn out to be all right once she's gotten the hang of everything.
• Three people commented that I look like I've lost a little weight. Actually I have no idea what I should think of that seeing as I've been feeling ugh all week, but hey!
• I suck terrifically at DDR, must play some more. Yes, this is a positive lol.
  

Writing Prompts: Write a scene in which the dramatic tension revolves around a misspelling: a road sign, the name on a birthday cake, the directions to a doctor's office, a word in a spelling bee...

The first thing that popped into my head when I read the prompt was something that happened last Fall: Linda and I went to a bakery to pick up a birthday cake for her boyfriend.

"What's the message you want on the cake?" the woman behind the counter asked.
"Happy Birthday Randy" Linda said.
The woman pulled out a scrap of paper. "Happy... Birthday... Daddy..."

Linda's eyes bugged out of her head. "NO! RANDY! Not Daddy, Randy!"

Oh, the hilarity that would have ensued if she hadn't realized what the woman misheard... Randy probably would have killed himself. That doesn't usually make for a very happy birthday.

We checked the cake again when we got home, just to make absolutely sure he wouldn't get an unpleasant (and COMPLETELY untrue!) surprise that night.

23 June 2008
Dear Tim,

You've never given me an orgasm. Not once. Just thought I'd make absolutely sure you knew that, in case you were mistaking my groans of frustration for the moans of orgasmic bliss.

It's not your fault. We never got the privacy we needed, whether it was your landlady waking up and sitting in the next room watching Oprah, or my roommate deciding to come home three hours early...

I never minded. I loved being so close to you. I was more obsessed with your orgasm and making you feel good than my own.

I will admit however that our last sack session drove me equally, if not more, insane than you must have been. You took me to the edge but not over at least five times before I gave up.

I probably would have killed you if I had known that afternoon was our last chance to try together. I take solace in the fact that while I got no orgasm, I got to enjoy while yours was deliciously ruined.

~Brynn

5:54pm 21 June 2008
Dear John:

I never told you-- or anyone-- what happened at the Company after-party, after my drunken phone call to you. I never felt so disgusting or ashamed of myself in my entire life. Sometimes it bothers me, and I want to tell you just so that it's out of my head and I don't have to think about it any more.

I have no idea what you would have to say to me or what your reaction would be if I did. If I ever tell you, please don't overreact. It's really nothing.

~Brynn

Dear Disgusting Pervert from the Party:

Find someone else to rape, you sick fuck. No amount of alcohol can ever get me to go home with you.

~Brynn

Dear John:

Never mind. I don't want to talk about it.
I promise I won't do it again.

~Brynn

5:35pm 21 June 2008
Dear John:

I'm sorry I was in such a pissy mood towards you last night at Sara's party.

~Brynn

Dear John:

I've come to the conclusion I can't trust my own judgment. I'm afraid someday I will get myself hurt because I am too arrogant.

I fucked up with Tim. My rule was that I'd never get physically involved with someone I couldn't see myself as friends with even if we broke up-- someone I could break up with on good terms. Well, I suppose not arguing is "good terms." It hurts too much.

I thought I was too smart and too careful to get hurt; I'm just a naive child.

When you said you intended on being single again very soon, I had no idea why I was suddenly so angry. I really want us to be together, but before I can even think about it, I need a break. A real break, without Tim on my mind.

~Brynn

15 June 2008
Dear Tim,

You've never met my friends. I dragged you to my hometown to see Suessical, but that was just a hello, and to every single person I know at my old high school. You've never really met my friends.

I really think you would have enjoyed yourself if you had been around for one of our crazy gatherings. I think they would have approved of you.

I was just thinking of this because I was thinking about Sara's graduation party coming up, and I would have liked to have been able to have you along at her party.

I thought you'd be someone I could introduce to my friends, and drag along for boring family picnics, and have over my mother's house for dinner to shut her up.

You were my dorky, handsome, sweet, bizarre, all-around perfect boyfriend, and I wanted to show you off to the world.

I guess not.

~Brynn

18 June 2008
Dear Tim:

Q: Would I have been able to bully you into watching Across the Universe with me?
A: Even if bullying were required, most likely yes; and probably just for the opportunity to make out on the couch and ignore the television completely.

~Brynn

I went over Sara's house and watched Across the Universe, and for some reason I couldn't get Tim out of my head the whole time.

I miss him. A lot.

He was fantastic, and I was horrible. I know I must have fucked up somewhere, or else he wouldn't have disappeared like this.